There are two kinds of fears.

·  Self-created fears.

·  Legitimate tangible fears.

Let’s start with Legitimate fears.

Legitimate fears are fears that keep us safe. For example, a legitimate fear is that we could be in a car accident. So, we should watch and drive carefully.

A legitimate fear is that we could catch an illness. That has become more of a reality in the last year. Even legitimate fears can be exaggerated in our minds. I’ll go over that more later.

 Then we have self–created fears.

I’m going to write about self-created fears because these are the fears that we can do something about. So, when I say self-created fears here’s what I mean.

Those fears start with “what if.”

What if I go to this party and I talk to these people and they don’t like me?

Or, what if I say or do something different or weird what will other people think of me?

These fears are created by our thoughts. Our thoughts create emotions and emotions create actions or possibly inaction….

Can we control our thoughts? Yes! Absolutely! We can! So that means we can control these types of fears by controlling our thoughts by observing them and being intentional.

I have studied toxic thinking for over 10 years, and what I have learned is that toxic thinking is self -perpetuating. There is scientific research that shows it stimulates our bodies' reward center or learning center with pseudo-feel-good feelings and activates our fear response, which increases the likelihood that the behavior will be repeated.

So, unless you set the intention to make conscious changes, changes to thoughts that occur most often in the subconscious. Then toxic thinking tends to become self-perpetuating. Now I’m not saying controlling our thoughts will always be easy, but it is possible.

You can think about and believe anything that you want! A portion of our beliefs serves us. Not all of them do serve us. Taking the time to identify thoughts that don’t serve us can drastically change our lives in a surprisingly quick way.

· One way we can do change our beliefs is by having a daily practice of observing our thoughts, and considering why we have the thought and where does it come from? Is it legitimate or completely ridiculous?

· I tend to be a people pleaser. Which most women tend to do. So, I used to think that everyone should like me. I mean, why not? Right? Ha-ha! No, really…

· When I honestly examine this belief and why do I think everyone should like me? It is not about them liking me, but it is about me. It is my feelings about being worthy and my self-worth. That is what it is actually about. Isn’t that ridiculous? Over time I’ve come to realize that self-worth should never come from the external approval of others, but many of us do this frequently. What matters is that I am behaving in ways that truly show my authentic self. So, my thoughts simply were not true or serving me… I had to come to recognize I’m not going to be everyone’s cup of tea, and genuinely that’s all right. The right people will like me. And the same goes for everyone! Thinking everyone should like me or like you is so ridiculous. Genuinely, let’s think about this. Because if we think people need to like us then we may behave in ways that are inauthentic to who we are, and that is not going to turn out well for anyone. Eventually, the ruse is up! People will figure out that we are not being ourselves. People can sense that we aren’t being ourselves. Even our body language gives it away. On top of that, we would just make ourselves miserable doing things we truly don’t like or want to do. Now does this mean I don’t ever have bad thoughts or feelings about people liking me? No, but now I am aware of those thoughts, and don’t allow them to bother me. My worth is not determined by me or anyone else. You are enough because you are here…You just are…  Just because you think you are unworthy doesn’t mean you are.

· So many people just go through life letting their thoughts control them and never even realize that they can change the thoughts that are not serving them. If you make it a daily practice, things can shift surprisingly fast.

· What do you want to believe about your life? Are your thoughts serving you? Your beliefs will determine your life. Your beliefs will determine your future. No one has more ability than you do. You can do anything you want if decide to believe something different. It just takes observing your thoughts. Creating new beliefs regularly. Just like strengthening a muscle. If you take the time. You can strengthen that muscle!!

· A belief is just a thought that you keep on thinking.

· Practice believing. Pick something specific that you want to make changes with, your job, your marriage, money. Write down all your thoughts about that area of your life. Then look at how those thoughts are creating behaviors in your life.

· For example, the thought “my husband doesn’t love me.”  How do you feel when you believe your husband doesn’t love you? How will you act when you feel these feelings? Angry, sad, despair… You are going to behave in ways that cause your husband to not have feelings of love towards you. You’re not going to be as open, affectionate, and loving. So, then you are creating a situation where you’re not loving your husband. Which can be extremely hard to admit…  So, then your husband is going to be frustrated and not show feelings of love towards you. You can see how that can create a dynamic that isn’t helpful. Looking at the effect of your thoughts can be remarkably effective.

· Once you’ve written down all your negative thoughts about a situation. Then you can sit down and counter thoughts. You can do a bombardment of positivity that counters the thoughts that you no longer want to be thinking. You must make sure the new thoughts are thoughts that you believe about yourself. You can adjust your thoughts to thoughts that you believe. For example, you could say, “I am a rock star, and I will do an amazing job.”  But you might not believe that, so it is not going to serve you. If you change that around and say, “I have everything I need to do this inside me.”  Or “I can make things work out in my favor.”  “Things don’t need things to be easier. I can do this.” Can you see how making this adjustment could help you? I have shifted all my thoughts about myself, my relationships, and my life overall by doing this, and you can do it too. You are worth the effort!!

· Do not try to simply push the negative thoughts away. That’s like playing a game of whack-a-mole. You won’t win. Add the positive thoughts to your thinking to the point that they drown out the negative thoughts until they simply one day just disappear.

*So become aware of what you are believing.

*Decide what you want to believe instead.

If you tell yourself, “I wish that’s what I believed.”  I think those thoughts all the time. “I don’t know if I can do this,” “It’ll never work for me,” or “It’s probably not going to work.”  It’s kind of a loop in my brain. Right? I’m sure you can relate to this…  We all have the same crappy thoughts. I’ve heard people say this over and over again. Those are the thoughts that we’ve practiced and that is where your brain is going to go -- if you let it!

You can decide to think something else on purpose. “You can do this no matter what” or “I know this is hard, but you can do it.”  This takes practice. Sometimes, I say them aloud to myself. Tell them to yourself and believe what you are saying. Part of you may have tried affirmations and they may not have worked for you. The reason they haven’t worked is that you don’t believe them. You’ll have to work your way up. For example, if you have been struggling with body image, and you are telling yourself, “My body is beautiful, my body is beautiful, my body is beautiful.”  If you don’t believe it the opposite is what happens. So instead of going from “I have an ugly body,” try starting with, “I have a body, I have a body, I have a body.”  Start from a place that is neutral first. It’s not going to feel amazing, but you can believe it. It feels better than, “I have an ugly body.”  “I have a body; I have a body.”  Sometimes you must move to a neutral thought before you move to a more positive thought.

One of the thoughts that I like to tell myself when I start thinking negative thoughts is, “You can do hard things. You can do hard things. You can do hard things.”  Sometimes, I take that a step further and think of hard things that I’ve already done so that my brain really, truly knows and it can begin to settle into my bones.

If you’re struggling with self-image, it can be extremely helpful to just every time you look in the mirror to say, “Hi! There you are!”  I mean has anyone had someone say that to you. How does it make you feel? It makes me feel acknowledged, special, and loved. So, I just tell myself, “Hi! There you are!”  No one can tell you what to believe about yourself. You get to tell yourself what you believe about yourself. You get to practice what you want to believe.

Have you ever met someone that believed they are going to achieve something, and you are like absolutely, they will achieve their goal? You just know that they are so determined to do what it is they want to do, and you just know they will accomplish it. You can’t just practice this for one day. You will need to keep on doing it and believing it. It is just as easy to believe we will make our goals as it is to believe that we won’t.

What do you believe now, and what do you want to believe? Are you willing to practice that new belief?

I suggest you give yourself time every day to practice the thoughts you want to be thinking. “I am amazing.” “I am smart enough” “I have the support that I need” “I am strong” “I have everything I need inside of me”

Tell your brain what to do! Direct it back to what you want to think. If you will just take 10-20 minutes a day your life will change. I promise you are capable! You can do hard things! I dare you to practice these for 30 days in one area of your life!!  Commit to changing what you believe. You are worth it. I would love to hear from you after practicing this. Send me a message and let me know how it has helped you!

Wishing you all peace, love, fulfillment, and happiness!

If you are interested in exploring this subject more, I teach about this in my Mindset Coaching.

You can visit my website www.ardentlifecoaching.net