The Power of Apologies

One of the hardest things in life is admitting fault. I don’t know about you, but I was not taught how to apologize or accept an apology. I cannot recall many apologies between adults around me when I was growing up either. Yikes! For a long time, I struggled to admit fault in a situation.  

Cringe… 😬 Am I the only one? 

With practice, I have become better at looking at my words or behavior, and others' perspectives. Then, admitting fault when it was warranted. It was not easy by any means. I mean, who wants to admit they screwed up? I am still not perfect and will never claim to be. By admitting that I made a mistake I can change my course and do better. Right?!

It’s vulnerable to admit when we make mistakes. Vulnerability allows us to show our authentic selves. You cannot hide behind a façade of perfection and show your authentic self. It just doesn’t work! Besides, that’s just exhausting. No one is perfect. 

Accepting an apology can be just as difficult as giving one. So here is some helpful information when it comes to making apologies and being on the receiving end. I think we can all use as much help as possible because eventually, everyone messes up or gets hurt at some point! 

First and foremost, an apology is about the victim. Do not apologize and then say, but. That negates the apology and takes away your responsibility for the mistake. Be timely with your apology. The longer you wait the harder the apology is going to be and is less likely to be received well.  

A sincere apology is made up of three parts.

1) Expression of regret

2) Acceptance of responsibility

3) Making restitution – making it better if possible

An example is, “I’m so sorry, that I ate the last piece of cake you were planning on eating. What can I do to make up for it?”  

Using humor in your apology (especially self-deprecating humor) can help diffuse frustration in some minor infractions. Another example, “Sometimes I do stupid things. I’m sorry I ate the pizza you were planning to have for dinner. I will buy you an entire pizza or food of your choice to atone for what I have done.”

But what do you as the receiver do after an apology? There are healthy ways to respond. 

Accepting an apology does not mean we have to stay in relation with the one that has emotionally or physically hurt us. Take into consideration in a lot of instances, the offender is not the only guilty one. A good response is to apologize back, except in the case of violence.  

 ▫ Unhealthy things to say to an apology are, “it’s okay”, or “don’t worry about it.” Listen, it was not okay.

▫ Good responses are, “I understand why you did “x” and I accept your apology”. Or, if you’re not ready to accept the apology simply saying, “I am still upset by what you did, but I am going to work on forgiving you. I think our relationship is strong enough to move past this, and I am going to really work to process my emotions and release my hurt feelings.” 

The important thing to remember with forgiveness is the decision of forgiveness comes before the feeling of complete forgiveness. Because it’s not just a switch we turn off. Forgiveness can take time, allow time to process your emotions. Write your feelings down if it is a serious offense and you are struggling with it.  

My way of evaluating the severity of an offense is looking at it and saying to myself, “is it going to matter tomorrow, next year, in 5 years?” This can bring things into perspective. I probably really didn’t need that chocolate cake anyway.  

Now, if the offense is going to matter in 5 years, can I carry on in a relationship with this person. Then you have a serious decision to make. If you choose not to carry on. It does not mean that you do not forgive. Sometimes the risk of the person repeating the offense cannot be allowed, and that is having healthy boundaries. 

If you have a hard time giving or receiving apologies keep working on it. You will get better over time. We should be giving as much forgiveness as we would like to receive.  

I hope this helps someone to understand giving apologies and forgiveness. Forgiveness is for you. Not for the offending party. You deserve to be happy! 

So, release your anger and feel free again awesome people. Love and light!

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